The Skinny on Minnesota Fats

It's been too long friends, I know. Studious activities surpassed an all-time high last week, breaching level six. Rumors around the water cooler hint that studious activities will surpass level seven next week. Once we reach level seven, a boa constrictor is released into the computer lab to increase productivity. Before I am swallowed whole, I give to you the legend of billiards player "Minnesota Fats" in hopes that a man so hearty might quench your voracious blogging appetites.

Born Rudolph Walderone, billiards player Minnesota Fats is a controversial icon of the 60's and 70's. Supporters tout his mastery of the game, while opponents bash his brazen boldness. Jim Loy, a man with a website, sides with the Fat Man slammers. He claims that Walderone went by the name of "Fats" or "The Fat Man" for years and changed his nickname in 1961 after the release of The Huster. Rudolph felt that Jackie Gleason's character, "Minnesota Fats," was based on his life, a claim that Hustler author Walter Tevis denies. Mr. Loy claims that the Fat Man's billiard talent was below tournament caliber, although he was "pretty good at making bank shots." Minnesota Fats, instead, was known more for his mouth, boasting to have never lost a billiards game. Even Mohammed Ali dubbed Minnesota Fats "The Greatest" at boasting. His place in the BCA Hall of Fame is warranted for his promotion of the game, not his prowess on the green.

Minnesota Fats did not lack supporters, however. One fan pens a delicate retort to Mr. Loy's claims, writing:

Have you ever seen Fats play? Huh have you? I don't THINK so. How old are you, 16 maybe at best! I have seen Fats play, and my dad saw him IN PERSON play Mosconi and while Mosconi beat Fats many times Fats DID indeed beat that great master on that and other occasions. You are an idiot, a complete idiot, period.

Could YOU beat Fats? He would kick you so far outa this universe you wouldn't know what hit you. How DARE you even THINK about labeling Rudolf Wanderone as a fake or a con man.

Yes, how dare you Mr. Loy? Could YOU beat Fats? I don't THINK so.

Now, I am perfectly content reading the chocolate pudding slung between lovers and haters of Minnesota Fats, but everyone is missing the point here. Regardless of billiard talent or cocky swagger, Minnesota Fats loved animals. He loved animals more than any person in history. He reportedly kept 30-40 dogs and cats at his house. But don't take my word for it, just read some of the passages from his autobiography and decide for yourself.

I’m crazy about every living creature, it doesn’t matter what it happens to be. I even love insects; in fact, I wouldn’t swat a fly or a mosquito for a whole barrel of gold. One time I drove all the way from Mobile, Alabama to Dowell and it was like in the summertime and my car was loaded with a zillion mosquitoes but they didn’t even bite me.

Animals surpass humans on all counts. They not only never talk back, but animals appreciate kindness and affection in a way that most humans wouldn’t understand to start with. If you can take an animal and tame it and make it next to human by showing it love and tenderness, like the doll with the lion cubs in Detroit, think what you ought to be able to accomplish with a human being who is supposed to have an intellect.

They way I see it, human beings could learn an awful lot from lesser creatures like cats and dogs and even crocodiles. One time a guy gave me a chicken. I didn’t even know the fellow, only he knew how crazy I am about animals of all kinds. So this night I was playing cards in Du Quoin and this guy comes up and throws this chicken in the middle of the card table. I took that chicken home with me. It was real cold like in the wintertime and I didn’t know what to do with the chicken so I went to this great big dog house in the back yard where there was 30 or 40 dogs and cats all sleeping together. So I threw the chicken in the dog house and went in and told Eva-line the story (“Eva-line” is his nickname for his first wife, Evelyn).

‛Rudolf,’ Eva-line said, ‛you must be out of your tree. Just because the dogs and cats sleep together, you can’t put a chicken in there, too.’ So I told Eva-line, ‛Is that so? Well, we’ll see.’ So we tiptoed out there and peeked in and this chicken was sitting sound asleep on top of this big dog’s head. That’s on the square.

I’ve got this tremendous big old dog named Spotty and he watches over the rest of ’em, like he was a shepherd. I don’t even know what kind of dog he is. He’s just short and stocky with a heavy fur and enormous weight, only he don’t throw his muscle around out back. He just gets up every morning like he’s the top general and the rest of the dogs and cats fall in line like they were privates in the Army and Spotty goes by each one and washes their faces by hitting them a lick with his tongue. It’s amazing. The dogs and cats just stand there like a five-year-old waiting for the Mama to come scrub him clean and old Spotty licks every face until he thinks it’s washed. Then he dismisses the whole outfit for breakfast. It’s fantastic beyond compare.

Wow. That was special.

The point I'm making is that no matter what you think of Minnesota Fats, you can't deny that he loved animals. That's precisely why Minnesota Fats is my number one favorite bank shot pool player of the 60's and 70's. Could YOU love animals more? I didn't THINK so.